Somedays I wake up and I lay in bed and think "So this is my life." This is not how I had always pictured my life at 40. I am at a place where I have no plans for the future, just getting through the day is enough on some days. This is one of those days. I have those days more than I care to admit. I have no real hopes or dreams anymore. We used to talk about how we would take our grandkids on these huge vacations and how we would retire in Colorado. And now... I can't seem to think past today and even today is a bit sketchy.
It isn't that I want Scotty back... trust me I do not. I find that I miss the plans for the future more than I have missed him. And as I told him, when he wanted to work things out after the divorce, I have a hard time seeing a future without him, but I have just as hard a time seeing my future with him. Sometimes the hardest decision you make is whether to try harder or to walk away. I chose to walk away at that moment. And I never regret that decision.
I am a plan it out kind of girl. And I suddenly have found myself unsettled and unplanned and completely unprepared and some days I don't know how to find my way back to settled, planned and prepared. And that leaves me confused and I hate being confused.
I haven't even figured out what triggers these days. I had a great day yesterday and it ended with my best friend coming over to watch Primal Fear and after she left Emaleigh came by and I got to visit with her for a little while. And then I watched an episode of Sons of Anarchy... my new Netflix addiction. And this morning I woke up thinking... "So this is my life." And I will probably be weepy all day long. If I knew what triggered it... I would know what to do with it.
Most days are great and most days I say "THIS IS MY LIFE!!! YES!!!" Why is it that the down days seem to cast a shadow on the great days?
Anyway, that is where I am today... I love the line from the Eagles song Wasted Time... "You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line. But I know what's been on your mind. You're afraid it's all been wasted time." That pretty much sums up days such as this.
Now to tie this into weight loss.... Do you know how much I want a package of OREOs on these days? I can smell 'em! For those of you that don't know, my motto is... OREOs fix EVERYTHING!!! But I know that thinking is what put the weight on in the first place, so I will just say NO!
And since my whole purpose is to entertain and to make people laugh or at least smile... I will leave you with one of my favorite SOA people .... Charlie Hunnam aka Jax.
Well... I don't know about you... but this makes me much happier than OREOs! YUM!
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